


Surrender

by artsyleo



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Affairs, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Study, Emotional, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Introspection, M/M, Minor Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:47:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24792586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyleo/pseuds/artsyleo
Summary: She will take your heart, she will rip it out, cause that is what love is, it gets given to you and it gets taken away.You don’t have to do this.If you really love him, I mean really love him then how can you make him live a lie?There’s more to this life than lying, than hiding behind a lie because it’s safer than telling the truth.Ben just so desperately wants to be enough to convince Callum of that.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 6
Kudos: 47





	Surrender

**Author's Note:**

> tw for referenced homophobic violence, nothing graphic.
> 
> I highly recommend listening to Surrender by Natalie Taylor while reading this fic, because it's heavily inspired by that song.

Ben likes to pretend that he's been doing anything but think about Callum for the past few weeks but that would be an obvious lie. On the contrary- he can't seem to get the man out of his head, even for a second. He's like an earworm, ever constant like a ringing in his ear and it's so goddamn annoying when all he wants to do is try and forget, but the last thing he really wants is for it, for him, to leave his mind. Ben’s stuck in this paradox - he so desperately wants to forget, to move on from his desperate pipe dream, to do something else with his life than sit around and drink himself stupid, but the minute he starts to forget it's like a race to remember every little detail, an urgency to recall every line and bump of the man's face, burn it into his mind. In reality, Ben can pretend all he wants, but he spends every waking moment right now missing him, and there's nothing he can do about it.

Ben’s been trying to shift the blame from himself in his head, trying to convince himself that the radio silence isn’t his fault, but it is. He knew exactly what he was doing, winding Callum up. He’s been doing it for weeks now, ever since that night in the park. Little jokes here and there that would sound innocent to everyone but Callum, who’s the only other person who knows what happened that night. Ben knows he’ll never really do anything (he may be a horrible person half the time, but outing someone is a whole new level) but maybe Callum doesn’t, and that’s the problem. He doesn’t really know Ben, so he doesn’t know what to expect.

But whatever it was Ben was hoping to achieve from all this, he doesn’t get it. Sure, he gets a rise out of Callum but it doesn’t feel nearly as good as it normally does when people get angry with him. That’s because the thing about Callum is that he so rarely actually gets angry. Whenever Ben says something that particularly pushes a button, Callum just gets this look on his face that sends guilt shooting through Ben. He hates it- this feeling of powerlessness, because it feels so much like he’s slipping into something, something that he doesn’t understand yet and it terrifies him, so he lashes out. That’s why Callum hasn’t spoken to him in weeks. It wasn’t exactly like they were the best of friends before all this, but they had something- messages back and forth on the phone, ones that are so telling of the fact that this, their relationship, it isn’t just friends. It’s not exactly anything else, but it’s definitely an unignorable something.

Of course, though, in true Ben-Mitchell fashion, he has to go and ruin it.

Ben can’t remember much of what happened now because he’d definitely had a little too much to drink, but shattered pieces of memory come back to him. Him finding Callum in the middle of the square in the middle of the night, making some lude joke about it. Callum looking distraught and telling Ben not to make such a joke of everything. Then, the thing he regrets the most- Ben giving Callum an ultimatum; tell Whitney, or I will.

When Ben had woken up in his own bed the next morning, with little to no recollection of how he got there, it had been to a single text from Callum, just two words-

We’re done.

-

It feels to Ben like it’s only him and the moon in the whole world when there’s a knock at the door. Ben thinks he’s home alone, unless his dad had gotten in late last night from wherever he’s taken Sharon, Louise and Golden Boy for the weekend. He’s tempted to just ignore whoever it is wrapping

at his door at 2am and roll over, until the person knocks again urgently. Ben lets out a put-upon sigh even though there’s no one to hear it, and forces himself out of bed.

When he finally opens the door, it feels like he's been thrown into freefall. Callum's standing there, but everything is wrong- he's got blood dropping from his nose, and there's a cut on his lip that's oozing. The beginnings of a bruise show through on his cheekbone and tears stain his cheeks completely. His breathing is shaky, far from normal, and his hands are shaking so much that the way he's wringing them doesn't even look like that anymore. He's also dripping wet, given that it's been raining cats and dogs since around lunchtime, which just makes him look like a wet puppy.

"I didn't- didn't know where to go," Callum says, but his voice is quiet, shaky, ashamed. 

The only thing that Ben feels as though he can do at that point is put on a front, because it’s just so easy for him now.

“Well,” he says. “Look what the cat dragged in.”

Callum lets out this hopeless half-sob right in front of Ben, and it feels as though his heart is tearing itself apart at the sight. He’s probably not seen Callum this distraught since-

"S-sorry, 'M sorry, Ben," Callum stutters. “Please, just- help me. She can’t see me like this.”

However much he wants to just turn Callum away right now, put back up that front and deny that any of this ever happened, he can’t. He can’t and he won’t, because no matter how much it hurts, there’s this part of his heart that is inexplicably falling so hard for the man in front of him, whether Ben knows it yet or not. Turning Callum away now feels like admitting that this is truly over, and he can’t just let it lie like that.

"No, it’s alright. Just- come in, house is empty," Ben says finally, offering his hand to Callum, who takes it with freezing fingers (which makes Ben wonder just how long he's been stood out there, contemplating) and shakily steps into the house. Callum just looks lost, his eyes slightly glazed over. He won’t meet Ben’s eyes, keeps staring at his own shoes, which makes his tears drop like raindrops onto the floor next to Ben’s bare feet.

Instead of saying anything else, Ben reaches for the other man's coat, and strips it off his shoulders carefully. He lays it over the radiator even though it's dripping, and turns back to Callum.

"Take your shoes off, you’re soaked. I'll get you a hoodie and start the kettle, yeah?" Ben says, fighting everything in him that just wants to envelope Callum in his arms, because he can’t just do that. He can’t just give in to his feelings, no matter how strong they are. So he just lays what he hopes is a comforting hand on Callum’s arm for a second, barely there, and leaves the room.

-

By the time he gets back to the kitchen with a hoodie and towel in his hand, Callum's sat at the table, his fingers tapping against the surface. Ben places the hoodie and towel on the table and Callum smiles gratefully, pulling one of Ben's favourite hoodies over his head. It's the one Ben wears the most, so he knows it smells like him. Ben kind of hates that that’s immediately where his mind goes, because that’s something that couples should do, and there’s that painful reminder that they aren’t, and that Callum will have to be careful not to take the hoodie home to his fiancé in case she gets suspicious. Fuck, he hates this. 

Ben flicks the kettle on and reaches for two mugs from the cupboard, putting a teabag in one and three spoons of hot chocolate powder in the other (as he's found out, Callum doesn't drink tea or coffee, he drinks hot chocolate instead. It's one of those strangely endearing things that he won’t admit he loves about the man, because fuck, they aren’t in love). When he turns around, Callum's got his face scrunched up in the way he always does when there’s a lot of noise about, because Ben’s kettle is obnoxiously loud, but he can't summon the willpower to get a new one yet.

(He refuses to admit that he’s picking up on all these subtle parts of Callum, all his little nuances and tells, and he refuses to admit that it makes him feel special, feel closer to the man. He doesn’t let himself wonder whether Whitney’s picked up on all of these things too.)

When the drinks are done, he brings them over to the table and leans up against the counter. Callum’s watching him carefully.

“Thank you,” Callum whispers, and takes the cup between shaky hands.

"Deep breaths, yeah?" Ben says when he notices now that Callum’s breathing is still shallow. Callum nods, following his instructions.

“You going to tell me what happened then?” Ben says a moment later, and Callum looks like a deer caught in headlights for a minute.

“I shouldn’t have come here,” Callum says instead, but he makes no effort to leave.

“Why did you then?” Ben responds. Anger is prickling at his spine and it feels like an impulse, easier to give in to than to stop, however much he’ll regret it. “You finally get enough of the Mrs? You tired of her droning on about her wonderfully loyal husband-to-be, who not a month ago had my-“

“I went to a gay bar,” Callum says instead, in rushed words, so much so that Ben almost doesn’t hear him. He’s convinced for a minute that he hasn’t heard him right.

“I just- I don’t even know what I was doing, really. Whitney’s been on my case all day so I just had to get out the house. I took the tube into town, went to a bar down there. Had a couple drinks before I got nervous and left, but-“

Callum hesitates for a minute, and Ben hates that there’s jealousy that burns through him at the thought that Callum had gone home with someone else. He forces himself to stay quiet, though, because he knows that if he picks a fight now, Callum would have every right to just leave.

“But,” Callum continues, staring into his mug, something that looks suspiciously like shame flickering in his face. “There were some guys waiting outside when I was walking back to the station, shouting stuff.”

Right then, it’s like Ben can feel the precise moment his blood runs cold, and the anger prickles up his spine again, stronger. That protective impulse within him is flaring, and he does everything he can to rein it in, because Callum isn’t his.

“They did that to you?” Ben says, and he hates the way Callum flinches slightly at the anger in his voice. Callum doesn’t meet his eyes when he nods.

“Jesus-“

“Ben, please. I just need you to clean me up, yeah?” Callum sighs, and there’s frustration tingeing his voice. As much as he wants to, as much as he wants to force their names out of Callum, or even just a description of them, and go right now and deal with them, Ben doesn’t say anything. Instead, he just digs the first aid kit out of the kitchen cupboard.

-

Ben doesn’t think he’s ever really understood love. He knows what it’s supposed to feel like- that willingness to give up your everything for someone else, that feeling like the impossible is possible when you’re with them. He’s had Paul, of course, but that love had torn his heart apart, torn everything he thought he knew about himself to shreds, bit by bit. That had been love he wasn’t ready to feel yet- he’d been so caught up with his dad for most of it that he hadn’t really felt it until it was too late.

*She will take your heart, she will rip it out, cause that is what love is, it gets given to you and it gets taken away*

Some days all he wants is just to feel it, for someone to understand what it feels like to feel as though you’re unlovable. He wants someone to know him, heart and soul, and love him anyway. He wants, wants it all so desperately, and maybe that’s why he’s clung to Callum so hard. Maybe it’s that, or maybe it’s that he can see so much of his own struggle in Callum. He can see that scared man, and Ben just wants to show him that there’s more than this.

*You don’t have to do this.*

There’s more to this life than lying, than hiding behind a lie because it’s safer than telling the truth.

*If you really love him, I mean really love him then how can you make him live a lie?*

Ben just so desperately wants to be enough to convince Callum of that.

-

“Is it always like this?” Callum whispers a while later. The sun’s starting to shine through the slats in the blinds, while Ben’s sat cleaning the blood from under Callum’s nose. Ben’s just trying to ignore the way the early light catches on Callum’s eyes when he speaks.

“What you on about?”

“Being out,” Callum whispers, as if Whitney’s going to burst through the door any second. There’s something about this, though, sat together as the light just filters into the room- it feels as though these secrets are just between them and the early light, as though there’s no one else in the world but the two of them. His question, it makes Ben think for a second. Does it get better? Is there really more than that life of hiding yourself behind closed doors?

Then it makes him think for a second, about the person that he doesn’t let himself think about, unless he’s already got a bottle of liqueur burning through his veins. He lets himself think about what they’d had, what they could have had, before-

*Have you ever been in love?

Oh, I was so lonely. Before I met him I was so lonely

You’re with someone like Paul, and they’re your world.*

And it reminds him that there is so much more, so much more than all that hate, if you just let yourself feel it. If you’re brave enough to let yourself be loved, there’s so much more.

“No,” he says after a while, and there’s no point hiding the tears that are pooling in his eyes now because he’s just too tired to hide. “Nah, it ain’t always bad. Sometimes it is, sure. But-“

*I spent so long just trying to be someone else.*

“-if you can let yourself just- surrender to it, then it gets better.”

“What if I can’t?” Callum says, and his voice is so quiet and scared that it breaks Ben’s heart all over again, makes him want to ensure that the other man never has to feel like that again. “What if I ain’t brave enough?”

“You are, Callum. I promise you are. I know you’re scared, believe me, and I get it. But you can’t lie to yourself forever.”

“I know- I know, Ben. But how do I just- how do I get past this?” Callum replies, and there’s real fear in the man’s eyes, fear that Ben knows all too well. He wants to stop this all so bad, but he knows he can’t- Callum has to understand, before the lie kills him. There are tears on his own cheeks now, as well as Callum’s.

*You can’t fight it. You’ve just got to let it, just- take you.*

“You have to just- surrender to it. God, none of this is easy, but you’ve got to just surrender to it, surrender to the fact that this is who you are, and there’s no changing it,” Ben says. “Look, it’s going to be hard- it’s going to feel like it’s not worth it, it’s going to feel like there’s no way anything’s going to get any better, but it does. I promise you, Callum. It does.”

“I want to,” Callum says, and he’s shaking, but Ben watches him reach his hand out to Ben across the table. Ben can’t bear to hold himself back any more, so he takes Callum’s big hand in his own. His hand’s much warmer now, and it’s just as soft as Ben remembers them being.

"Let’s do it, right now. You and me, let’s just- surrender. Yeah? Just- just surrender with me," Ben says, and it feels like a promise, one that he knows will make or break them. If Callum says no now, then that's it, Ben will leave him to it. He'll force himself to forget the man who has taught him how to love again, the man that just isn't ready to be loved back yet. He takes a deep breath when Callum squeezes his hand, so ready for the end of all this.

"I'll surrender," Callum replies, and there's hope.

**Author's Note:**

> admittedly, I got a little bit emotional writing this. I've not struggled with my sexuality nearly as much as my gender, so I definitely know a thing or two about internalized transphobia. I've spent so long wondering whether it gets better, whether I'll figure it out one day, but there's no point trying to read the future. Right now, I'll surrender.  
> Stay safe <3  
> Leo x (artsy-highway on tumblr)


End file.
